My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
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BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
How did we not see this back then?