My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
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“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Good boy 😂😂
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
starting a garage orchestra
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.