My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
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opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.