My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison

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All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.


This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.


And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”


Husband: Um, what are you doing?

Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor


Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels


Bad comedy:

“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”


“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”


“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.

Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.


ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?


Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.