My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
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Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
I love it all
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Peter Parker Peter Driver