My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
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I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Me irl
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”
Hot Panini is in big trouble
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.