WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
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JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles