@LilyRoseLynn

My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.

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@SomeChrisTweets

WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!

@SortaBad

JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody

ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-

JOHN LENNON: not just anybody

ME: damn wow okay

@RobDenBleyker

I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014

@MommaUnfiltered

If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.

@YikYakApp

“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago

@ixix82

280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!

@HatfieldAnne

“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen

@RodLacroix

[1st day in Senate]

Me: I’m against genetic engineering

Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs

Me: How much funding do you need

@loneIymood

dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles