My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
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[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
When the stylist spins you back around
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
me and my fake scenarios
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”