My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
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After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
My dad.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’