My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
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*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.