My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
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Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.