My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.

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ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.


This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.


[80% of bar rescue eps]

TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him


My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.


Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries


I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.

Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.


A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.


No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.


Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.


Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.