My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
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Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens