@Arrogant_Twat

My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.

You Might Also Like

@truegritrumble

ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.

@simoncholland

This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

@KrangTNelson

[80% of bar rescue eps]

TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him

@uhhhhhoksure

My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.

@OfficeofSteve

Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries

@bvinson23

I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.

Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.

@fightforfood

A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.

@ndiquote

No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.

@KlMBERLY_

Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.

@weinerdog4life

Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.