Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
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The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.