@HatfieldAnne

My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.

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@awkwardphilippe

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie

@Robert_Beau

The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.

@junejuly12

If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.

If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.

@notsoevilrick

My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.

@CruisinSoozan

I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.

@HenpeckedHal

They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.

@BatBatshitcrazy

My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.

Me too, I replied.

@mrjohndarby

[childbirth]

me: are you ok?

wife: IT’S AGONY!

me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY

@daemonic3

[campfire]

And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN

[everyone screams in terror]

@alldrolledup

I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.