my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
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Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Body by Oreos
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.