my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
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The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
is this meant to deter me
I like it thick and deep
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
HER: so like, what are you into?
HER: no way, me too!
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
where did they come from?
where did they go????
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”
Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*