My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
You Might Also Like
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it