My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
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Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Y’all know who you are.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?