My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
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I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?