My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
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Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”