My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
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Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
are they though??
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
File under excellent bookstore names.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”