My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
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therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what