My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
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Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.