“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
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BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.