my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
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Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.