My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
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*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Only short people can save us
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir