My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles

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CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry


What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Duck this!


art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face

Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?


I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.


[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]

…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy


People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.


My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?


Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.


Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess


• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―