@BuckyIsotope CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
@sweetmomissa My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
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@BuckyIsotope 
@kelkulus What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
@English_Channel art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
@mrtruthandsoul I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
@jimmytorosian [two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
@TweetPotato314 People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
@prncss_fifi My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
@Gupton68 Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
@graceupongracie Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
@bobvulfov turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―