My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
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Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!