My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
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Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
TWEET CALL
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He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”