My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
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Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Whoa 😂
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.