I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
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The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.