My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
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I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Guy who likes music
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
#parenting
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*