My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
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Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Nose
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET