My support group can outdrink your support group.

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me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years


Me: *takes off my clothes*

Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.


ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head


I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.


Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?


netflix: are you still watching

me: no

netflix: then can i watch what i want now


Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.