My support group can outdrink your support group.
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Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?