My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
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No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about