My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
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Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Catercrombie & Fish
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.