my surgeon thought i was in my mid 30s and says i’m fit, trim, and look amazing. should i give him my number before or after he cuts me open like a fish?
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I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
opening twitter today
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Only Americans understand
