My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.
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Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
So the ex texted me
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?
me: marry a chiropractor
I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.