My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
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If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
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If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!