My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
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ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Erm…
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”