My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
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[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Poetry is my passion
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.