My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
You Might Also Like
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
💻🤡
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.