My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
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If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight