my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
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This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”