My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
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Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”