my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
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Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny