My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
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Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details