My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
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Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.