@UnicornSyrup

My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?

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@KentWGraham

I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.

@JasonBanksComic

One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.

@frankzulla

“How do you talk to an angel”

Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?

“How do you hold her close to where you are”

Me: Aren’t most angels men?

@JohnBadpuns

*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”

@ghostkrogh

[interview]

Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?

@themorris23

Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.

@Girl_Censored

A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.

@notacroc

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is antonym

ME: synonym

JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example

ME: *lips on mic* i-t

@mattkoff

“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter