My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
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happy birthday to me. i am 25.
A family that plays together cheats.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
that’s really how it is
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?