@caseytduncan The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
@mcdadstuff My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
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@caseytduncan 
@DanMentos *chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
@TheAndrewNadeau My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
@suntzufuntzu [Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
@asherperlman 
@Brianhopecomedy And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
@TheHyyyype the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
@PaperWash me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
@GreenishDuck Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
@Shariv67 Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.