My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
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Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Thursday
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.