My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
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instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.