My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
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I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Y’all ready for this
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Mad Max Arctic Road
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob