My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
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You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it