My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
You Might Also Like
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.