My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
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Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.