My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
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I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
A new level of troll.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes