My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
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I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
I’d love this…lol
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?